Monday, September 26, 2011

Babies for Free

I found out last week that a wonderful friend of mine is pregnant.  It goes without saying that I'm extremely happy for her, but it definitely stirs up a lot of emotion in me. Three of my four closest friends have gotten pregnant in the last year or so (and two of them have already delivered).  I would never wish infertility on any one, but it is so difficult to watch others around me get pregnant with very little effort.  It's also so frustrating that we are pumping lots of money into fertility treatments while others around us are getting their babies for free. 

The name of my blog--STUCK--stems from a dream I had several months ago.  In my dream, I'm getting ready to run a 5K or some sort of race with a large group of friends.  We are gearing up, ready to go and excited to run the race.  The starter gun sounds and my friends all take off.  I try to run, but can't.  I look down at my feet and notice the problem...I'm wearing a big heavy pair of black rain boots.  The rain boots are cute. They're covered with little white daisies (I actually own rain boots just like the boots in my dream), but the boots have left me stuck at the start line.  My dreams rarely make sense, but this dream is so poignant.  Truly, I feel stuck in my life. Everyone around me is moving on with their lives, enjoying the world,and laughing every day.  I wake up everyday and spend every minute consumed by infertility. It's so very frustrating.  Yes, I have so many things to be thankful for--I know that.  Some days it is just very hard to be positive, though. 

On a positive note--I've just started a new medicated cycle.  I went in today for my baseline ultrasound and everything looks great.  On a super positive note--my injections are FREE this month!  The drug rep for the medication that I use happened to be in the office today, so my injections for this round of treatment are free samples.  Woo hoo! 

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Middle

Ugh. This has been a crummy week.  Exactly one year ago yesterday, I had a D & C to clear things out after my miscarriage.  Here we are one year later and I’m still not pregnant.

I remember weird bits and pieces of that morning.  I hadn’t slept at all the night before and I felt like such a zombie.  When they rolled me into the operating room, the nurse made me sign a paper and then as the team of nurses and my OB stood around me, the nurse asked me to say my full name and the type of surgery I was about to have.  “I’m having a suction D & C.”  Yuck- was I really lying there on the table about to have my just-lost baby sucked out of me?  Where would it go?  What would they do with it after it was out of my body?  Tons of weird and terrible questions swirled through my head.  My OB asked if it was OK if they turned on the radio in the operating room.  What did I care? I was about to be put out.  He turned on a satellite radio station and the song “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World popped on.  I happen to love that song.  It’s been on my exercise playlist for a long time.  It seemed so weird to have a loud upbeat song playing in the operating room, but I remember focusing on the words as I was put out.  “It just takes some time, little girl you’re in the middle of the ride…Everything, everything will be just fine…Everything, everything will be all right.”